Respectful Wives Have Respectful Husbands

Rough Start

Has your bride ever described you as a roommate, and thus not a cherishing life partner? Has she ever accused you of not paying attention to her? Or has she ever lamented that you fail to defend her around others?

There it was. A thorn in our marriage from year one, and it took until year seven to see any major progress on my part. Fights did not change it, nor did my own ideas of the best way forward. We did institute a crucial nightly prayer time together—which sustained and sustains our relationship and shared faith. But the issue remained.

Then some rerouted prayer focus, some important prayer support, a conversation with the pastor, and a new trend in my thoughts about husbanding began to melt the ice and address the problem.

Show Respect

You could call it a combination of Ephesians 5 and the Golden Rule. We all know God tells men to love their brides, women to respect their husbands, and everybody to treat others as we would have them treat us. What if men helped their wives respect them by exemplifying respect toward their wives? In no way would this mean forsaking God’s command to us to love our wives, but it would mean going above and beyond our duty to help our mate obey God better.

After all, one can respect somebody they do not love, such as an enemy. But it is tougher to love somebody you disrespect. When men take this route, as I have, we set ourselves up to fail. But if a man respects his bride, she in turn may give respect to him.

Four Strategies

Attention. Our wives often desire things that may or may not make sense to us. They might even cry out to God for those things. Instead of ignoring her or calling her a nag (in my mind or to her face) when she talks about them, I am slowly learning to respect her enough to listen carefully to her, and even join her in prayer for these things. This sometimes translates into her respecting my views and preferences more, too.

Affection. I graduated from a conservative Baptist university ten years ago. We single guys often teased our dating friends about the institutionally regulated “PDA” (public displays of affection). Beyond the jokes, physical intimacy was widely understood to be a marriage-only privilege. Yet some guys carry a form of PDA stigma into their marriage. PDA feels awkward at times, but my wife always appreciates when I show affection in front of others. This conveys devotion (respect) regardless of circumstances, and it fosters reciprocation in many areas beyond physical touch.

Admiration. Even more meaningful is bold and public praise. Get around friends or particularly family, and a genuine compliment of almost any kind can go a long way toward making my wife feel respectable—and thus respected. Think about it from a professional or friendship viewpoint. If you respect a colleague or brother in Christ, you might easily and openly laud who they are or what they do. Why not do that for your own spouse, too?

Accountability. Loving actions toward, and interactions with, your spouse in public tell her that you are willing to risk your reputation for her. Think of the last half of the Civil War film Glory, where Colonel Shaw held his men in the highest esteem. He took a stand for them in front of two generals, saying they were ready to fight, and indeed deserved to fight. His potent demonstration of respect earned him the ultimate respect of his men as well, who followed him to death’s gates. In the same way, you took responsibility for your wife when you married her—probably before a crowd—so be sure to continue “till death do us part.”

Biblical Precedent

These tactics are not my own. The Bible offers solid examples through godly husbands like Isaac and Boaz.

After twenty years of marriage, Isaac’s wife Rebekah still had not gotten pregnant. Isaac listened carefully to her grief; then he pled with the Lord on her behalf that they would conceive. In time, God granted their request. Later, the Bible says Isaac showed affection to Rebekah so clearly that an observer said, “Quite obviously she is your wife.” Isaac loved Rebekah enough to give respect and devotion to her.

Boaz’s treatment of Ruth has been famous for more than 3000 years. First, he praised her boldly and openly for her faith in God and her loyalty to Naomi her mother-in-law. Second, Ruth was a foreigner and an impoverished, childless widow; yet Boaz risked his reputation to marry her and be faithful to her. Boaz conveyed great love and respect to Ruth, and her response was as true as any husband could desire.

Future Hope

For me, perfection is still light years away. Issues arise regularly, and all too often they go wrong and last long. But we have much less bad and more good. A four-hour battle in 2009 ends in one hour now. A three-day good stretch five years ago lasts a week or two today.

In our bathroom my bride put a plaque with a quote from Ecclesiastes 4: “A cord of three strands is not easily broken.” The three strands in marriage are God, husband, and wife. The adventure is well worth the effort.