Sexual Struggles in Marriage: Finding Help for Marital Intimacy…Is Possible

Life in a university men’s dormitory is lots of things: fun, gross, hilarious, and loud. Friendships evolve through games, studying, pranks, movies, mishaps, thievery, and late-night talks. Typical conversation topics include girls, faith, girls, goals, girls, classes, girls, sports, girls, hobbies, and girls. Subtopics on females include relationships (past, present, and future) and sex.

On a Christian school campus, discussions about sex include temptations, fears, confessions, and desires. Two guys—or ten guys—might spend hours each week covering these issues. They hold each other accountable, offer encouragement, and tease each other. Moreover, their ethics classes may address sexual morality, while their church might stress abstinence and marital faithfulness.

Then they graduate in May, get married in June, start their career in July, and by August some of them are confused or unsatisfied with their new bride in the bedroom. Some do not know how to talk about it with their old friends, let alone their wives, and their churches keep harping on stuff they already know, but which does not apply directly to their situation. They still need help!

In 2008, secular sociologist Sarah Diefendorf began tracing the struggles of evangelical men who commit to virginity until marriage. She talked with fifteen single men who were in a small group together. They grew close and kept each other accountable. But after they were married, they felt they could not discuss issues so intimately anymore, because it involved their wives.

Some still struggled with things like pornography, masturbation, lust for other women, and same-sex attraction. An August New Republic interview with Diefendorf does not identify the source of these challenges, or whether the temptations are new, or whether the men blame their spouses. But she does emphasize that they “no longer have an outlet to work through” their issues.

Diefendorf says some men who commit to abstinence define masculinity differently than popular culture. She cites fellow sociologist Amy Wilkins, who conducted her own research on the topic. The men Wilkins spoke with, states Diefendorf, do not claim to be men because they “engage in a variety of sexual activity.” Rather, they state, “I’m a man because I can avoid that temptation.” They consider sex “beastly” outside marriage and “sacred” inside marriage.

But achieving sexual fulfillment and staying pure in marriage is hard—no matter the age, history, or gender of either spouse. Diefendorf says small groups offer key support in evangelical groups: “They are caring, supportive, and safe space that allow men to have a remarkably open and frank discussion about sexual desire.”

Other resources exist, too. Authors, speakers, and organizations are addressing the subject more. Easy-to-remember phrases are becoming popular, such as “men are like microwaves, women are like crockpots.” Churches are focusing more on the “sacred” joys of sex, and less on its “beastly” dangers. And close mentors can provide honest feedback to the hurting and confused.

Back in the Christian men’s dorm, a respected hall leader graduated and got married. At the start of the next year, he came back to visit. Sex is nothing like Hollywood, he said. It is much harder, but far better. He was right—and with the help of God, a solid church, and close friends, spouses can master the subject. Sex was His idea, after all!