On Husbands: Isaac (Part 2)

So where was I?  Isaac.  40.  Got it.  So Abraham, whose incredible patriarchal story and marriage to Sarah begin in Genesis 12, found his son Isaac a bride.  Rebekah's courage was immediately obvious: departing her family by camel with Abraham's servant to go a great distance to marry someone she had never met.

Walt Disney Beginning

Now many of us men struggle to keep the romance alive years after the dating and honeymoon phase, right?  Well, the last six verses of Genesis 24 show us that God and Isaac are romantics.  First, we see that Isaac is a man's man.  He dwelt in tents in a harsh desert environment and thrived -- like his father and sons.  But his physical strength and success complimented, rather than contradicted, his spiritual and emotional traits.  After a hard day's work, "Isaac went out to meditate in the field in the evening."  If you ever expect to respect your wife, you can forget about succeeding unless you make time for God.

Yet in God's providence (and romance), "he lifted his eyes" just as Rebekah was approaching him for the first time.  And "Rebekah lifted her eyes" just as Isaac was coming to meet her for the first time.  Is this the oldest version of "love at first sight" in literature?  Or maybe Adam and Eve will claim that prize.  Either way, if God can be romantic about marriage 4,000+ years ago -- as well as hours or eons into the future at the "Marriage Supper of the Lamb," see Revelation 19 -- we should be romantic toward our brides today.

Isaac's romance cuts to deeper levels, too: "she became his wife, and he loved her."  See the chronology?  It may be that he loved her immediately, prior to marriage.  But his love did not end after the wedding.  In fact, Isaac's love persisted decades into their marriage, as we shall see.  And I expect it would be hard to love for that long unless respect also saturated the formula.

First Roadblock

Here is an issue we have not bumped into yet, but we shall return to it time and again: If respecting your wife is tough in general, how in the world can you do it in hard times?  Isaac knew the answer, from Philippians 4.  Paul notes: "For I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound.  Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Isaac and Rebekah could not get pregnant.  If you, or anyone you know, has gone through this, their story is perhaps encouraging.  They tried for 20 years to have kids!  Can you imagine the emotional regression from disappointment to despair for 240 months in a row?  I imagine conflict, tears, embarrassment, and appeals to God peppered those two decades for Isaac and Rebekah.  Perhaps they were tempted to repeat Abraham's mistake: impregnate the maid to carry on the family name (see Genesis 16)!

The Bible does not give details.  Yet no matter how hard those days were, Isaac stayed close to God and his wife: "Now Isaac pleaded with the LORD for his wife, because she was barren."  The strong verb "pleaded" indicates a continuous faith -- again, the paramount starting place.  But I think he also respected Rebekah by regularly listening to the desires of her heart.  His tender reply was to cry out to God "for his wife."  He could have asked for himself or his family or his name first.  He could have quit listening to his wife and called her a nag.  He could have walked away into the seductive arms of an easier situation.

Isaac passed all of these tests.  He practiced what the psalmist taught a millennium later: "Trust in the LORD, and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.  Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.  Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass." (Psalm 37) And in respect for Isaac's respect for his bride, "the LORD granted his plea, and Rebekah his wife conceived."  In fact, God gave them twins!

On Husbands: Isaac (Part 1)

The Holy Bible begins with the Book of Genesis, which relates some of humanity's most amazing stories and truths.  Yet is a book that starts with Adam and Eve a good place to turn for marriage counsel?  Ponder how two other marriage stories in Genesis begin (heavily paraphrased):

Esau -- Genesis 26

"Yay!  I got married...twice!  Both my brides are from different cultures and religions.  I guess that is why my parents dislike them.  Oh well!"

Jacob -- Genesis 29

"You're telling me I married you and slept with you last night?  But I was supposed to marry your sister!"

Right.  Wisdom just oozes from these not-so-happily-ever-afters!  Well, fear not; Esau and Jacob are not my chosen role models.  They were twin brothers who seemed to have problems from the womb to the tomb.  I instead want to look at their father Isaac and Jacob's son Joseph.  Ponder how their marriage narratives start (heavily paraphrased):

Isaac -- Genesis 24

"Yo Dad!  Now that I'm over the hill [40 years old], would you mind sending your servant to another country to pick out a wife for me?  She could be my birthday present!"

Joseph -- Genesis 39

"Hey Joe!  We [your brothers] hate you.  We are going to sell you into slavery, where you will also end up in prison.  But don't worry: you'll find a wife among the heathen there!"

Hmm...slightly better.  At least Isaac and Joseph were more innocent.  But their circumstances seemed pretty terrible -- and certainly undesirable!  Yet these two men showed their wives a great deal of respect, and truly were exemplary husbands.  Isaac was Joseph's grandfather, so we shall kick off with him.

Isaac was indeed 40 when he got married, according to Genesis 25.  This is worth a moment's attention.  On the one hand, this was less fantastic in early Bible times than it may be today.  Genealogies back in Genesis 5 and 11 indicate that people might have married later by custom in those days.  On the other hand, Issac most likely faced puberty and his first sexual temptation long before his 40th year.  But the Bible -- which routinely conveys the most grievous sins and weaknesses of even its greatest characters, which I believe is a key proof of its veracity and reliability -- implies that Isaac stayed pure until he married Rebekah.  More on purity later.

Intermission

Speaking of Rebekah, let us explore the ten wives in our study for just a moment.  For eight of them (and for seven of the husbands), I can find no negative comments in the Bible.  Of course, they all sinned -- like all of us, see 1 Kings 8 and Romans 3.  In particular, the iniquity of Rebekah and Gomer damaged their marriages.

But overall, these women expressed great courage and faith and so-called "Proverbs 31 Woman" qualities at numerous points in their lives.  I believe God redeemed all ten of them, as well as each of their husbands, and all of their marriages displayed a back-and-forth dance of co-sanctification.  The Bible does not quibble over these women, and their husbands do not grumble against them, so I won't either.  (That was a free tip for you and me, by the way!)

That said, this study aims at encouraging men to do right by their wives.  So when I ignore good points in the wives -- such as Ruth's amazing devotion to Naomi, or Hannah's beautiful prayer, or Mary's astonishing faith and humility -- I'm not anti-women!  Study these stories and ask for God to give you and your wife a greater understanding of His working in their lives.  Read some of the excellent works about these and other famous women of the Bible.  Furthermore, when I skip bad points in the husbands -- like Isaac's lie, David's adultery and murder, and Peter's denial of Christ -- I'm not a male chauvinist!  Examine these stories closely, too, and avoid all of their sins.  I simply want to retain a positive focus on the issues of a man's respect for his woman.

There.  Maybe that will silence a critic or two...and probably spark ten more!

Hmm.  I should offer one more caveat.  I use the New King James Version of the Bible.  As needed, I check other translations, but I cite the NKJV in my blog.  To all the radical non-King James people out there, since I imagine the number of my critics just doubled: I love you in Christ; and if you study this paragraph carefully, you will note that I have not criticized any other versions of the Bible.  And to all the radical King James only people out there, if you study this paragraph carefully, you will note that I respect other versions of the Bible, even though that probably re-doubles the number of my critics yet again.  Ah, the life of a writer!

All right, let's get back to the story...

On Marriage (Part 2)

I guess I should have started with this caveat last time: I've been married to my first and only bride for almost six years.  Not long, it's true.  And if I just lost half of my few readers, I don't blame you.  Still, I think I have something to offer since my first four years of marriage had lots of ups and very far downs, while the last two years have seen remarkable -- miraculous -- improvement.

Oh, perfection is still at least a million light years away.  Issues arise almost daily; and too frequently to admit, they become quite wrong and quite long -- quite fast!  But this, too, has improved a lot in the past two years.  We simply have a lot less of the bad and a lot more of the good.  A four-hour fight in 2009 ends in one hour now.  A two-day good stretch in 2011 lasts a week in 2013.

Much of this depends on our nightly prayers together -- probably six out of seven nights.  It also depends on seeing our own faults more readily than before.  Attitude plays a role, too: recalling that God uses our spouse to help us more than He uses us to help our spouse.  And especially for men (preaching to myself), we are to care for our wives' needs as much and as often God cares for ours.

Credibility?  You decide.  But far beyond my own story or advice, I want to center on ten biblical narratives.  When it comes to leading our brides by example in the area of respect -- which again, I think is the best way to get respect from them, although our top motive should be to glorify God -- the Bible outshines any golden nuggets we might find on our own.

So what marriages are we talking about here?  1) Isaac and Rebekah, in Genesis.  2) Joseph and Asenath, in Genesis.  3) Manoah and his wife, whose name was not recorded, in Judges.  4) Boaz and Ruth, in Ruth.  5) Elkanah and Hannah, in 1 Samuel.  6) David and Abigail, in 1 Samuel.  7) Hosea and Gomer, in Hosea.  8) Joseph and Mary, in Matthew and Luke.  9) Peter and his wife, whose name was not recorded, in Mark and 1 Corinthians.  10) Aquila and Priscilla, in Acts and Romans.

These ten husbands are fabulous role models for any man to follow -- married or not, Christian or not -- and I will dig into each of their lives over the coming several posts.  But first, I want to note two glaring omissions from the list above.  11) Solomon and the Shulamite, in Song of Solomon.  12) Jesus Christ and the Church, throughout the Bible.  If I qualify to write about biblical husbanding, I feel less qualified to examine these two marriages, though they are crucial and marvelous.

Suffice to say, Solomon pursues his bride with intense and intimate passion and admiration, mimicking God's overt and amazing pursuit of us: we love God "because He first loved us," 1 John 4.  Concerning respect, he offers endless compliments to the Shulamite.  As a soldier who loves his commander obeys him with joy and confidence, so a respectful husband conspicuously delights in his wife as well -- both in bed and elsewhere.

As for Jesus, Ephesians 5 says, "Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her...that she should be holy and without blemish.  So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies...No one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church."  Sacrifice, selflessness, loving the unlovely, striving for another's sanctification -- these are part of the game of respect.

Does God actually respect us?  A commander who loves his soldiers respects them by trusting them to obey his orders.  God is our commander, and He not only admires us when we display faith (see Jesus' interaction with the centurion in Matthew 8), He also entrusts His kingdom's work to us (see Matthew 28, for example), He gives us the Holy Spirit (see John 14 and 16), and He even invites us (us!) to "sit with Me on My throne" (see Revelation 3)!

Knowing the glory awaiting those whom God respects -- those who love God with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength (see Mark 12) -- should enable men to respect our wives more easily.  We have nothing to lose and much to gain!  In the coming posts, I will be learning more about this respect right alongside you.

On Marriage (Part 1)

For most men, the easiest 24 hours of marriage might begin with "I do."  Let's face it: after that, you get cake and, well, the big event!  (I admit that for many people these 24 hours can be hard if things don't quite work; and in grave, horrifyingly-common situations across the globe, weddings are tragic.  Think: forced marriages.  Better yet: pray for them and perhaps find ways to help people out of them!)

But for our purposes, let's take a quasi-Hollywood-style setting where the couple wants to get married, does get married, and has a great wedding night.  (Second detour: Most Hollywood relational rubbish is anti-God, anti-wisdom, and frankly, anti-marriage -- and can walk the plank right here!)

Lots of good writers have addressed phase two of the marriage: post-honeymoon.  Life can get hard; people can change; money problems can arise; lust can surface; envy can invade; bitterness can destroy; in-laws can hurt; sex can change from a problem-solver to a problem-causer; boredom can set in; quirks can irritate; and kids can take over.  And all that can develop alongside health problems, different backgrounds, or conflicting beliefs and interests.  Christian or non-Christian?  Jump on board!

As I said, books are devoted to these topics, and either you and I have read some of them -- or we need to!  Tip 1: Find ones that address core issues, not just quick fixes or surface-level symptoms.  It all comes down to where our own heart is before God and toward our spouse -- both on a daily and long-term basis.  Tip 2: Any advice that contradicts loving your wife selflessly and with a servant's heart is probably forgettable.

I want to focus on one issue for men that I've only just discovered in the Bible.  I am slowly learning about it, and I am even more slowly remembering to put into practice.  We all want our wives to "submit" to us, right?  And we all want a wife who "respects" us, yes?  And none of us like it when our wives remind us that we're supposed to submit "to one another," correct?  (All quotes are from Ephesians 5.)  After all, that might come off as if they're ignoring their job or they think we're ignoring ours, huh?

Well, if respect is a sign of submission -- which I think it is according to Paul's summary in Ephesians 5:33 -- and if we men are supposed to be the leaders of our families (see 1 Timothy 3, for example), then we should exemplify the respect we want and need by first giving it to our wives!

There's the golden nugget...and again, I've got a long way to go...ask my beautiful bride!  But the details, role models, and how-to's will follow in the next several posts.  Keep reading!

Out of the Mouths of Babes... (Part 2)

I wrote last month about fathering.  But I haven't said as much about my son himself.  He smiles, laughs, says hi and waves bye to most people he meets, sees, and hears.  He enjoys life in such an innocent, yet complete way.  People tell us "he's the happiest kid" they've ever seen.  True or not, I don't mind bragging!  He doesn't prejudge people.  He doesn't hold a grudge.  He doesn't resent or despise.  I've never seen him unhappy for more than an hour at a time except for on a few very sick days.  I can be unhappy all day for lots of reasons!

Now, he is less than two years old.  And he is quite healthy and safe overall.  But I've had much longer to get to know God, and to learn about deeper meanings of love and faith and hope.  Sure, I've seen a lot more sin than he has.  I've committed a lot more sin than he has.  (He's not perfect.  He's selfish and throws tantrums, for example.)  And supposedly ignorance is bliss.  But if that's a truism, must it be true?

Anyway, I am trying to learn joy from my precious, wonderful little boy.  When he's with me in traffic, I may be irritated, but he's not.  When there's an idiot driver on the road, I might be upset, but he's not.  When I've got lots to do, I might be flustered, but he's not.  When I'm tired of people, he's not.  When I'm embarrassed, he's not.  When I'm bored, he's not.  And even when things go wrong for him -- when his toys stop working, when his favorite people say good-bye, when he's sick of potty-training, when he gets disciplined -- his cries may be more obvious than mine, but mine last a lot longer.

And here's the kicker: God loves us both so much that He sent His own Son to die for us, even though we've both messed up a lot already, and will mess up a lot more in the future, too!  (I should write about how tough it would be to do what God did, which only accentuates how great He is!)  I must remember that my attitude in life -- good and bad -- will rub off on my son.  I don't need to copy him, or him me.  We both must imitate Jesus, and thus bless and guide each other, and other people, toward Him as well.

Philippians 4:9 says: "The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you."

1 Timothy 4:12 says: "Let no one despise your youth, but be an example to the believers in word, in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, in purity."

Mark 10:14 says: "Let the little children come to Me...for of such is the kingdom of God."

Out of the Mouths of Babes... (Part 1)

They say the person who is blessed the most in serving or ministering to others is the giver, not the recipient.  How often I've seen and experienced that; yet how often do I lazily want to be the receiver!  But sometimes God turns the tables: when you try to lead others toward Christ, they may unwittingly steal the reins right out of your hand and start leading you toward Him.

A month or so ago I gave a teenager a ride home.  I just had read something meaningful earlier that day, and thought I had a 10-minute window to offer a ray of light to this person half my age.  "Have you heard of...?" I began.  "Oh yes!" came the reply.  "I went there for a week and served these people and learned about their needs and had opportunities to pray with them..."  And so on for about three minutes straight.  Suddenly, my third-person information (full of temptations to devolve into a condescending sermon to a youth who "clearly" needed my guidance) jumped to the back burner as I listened to this first-person account.  My audience was the preacher and I the learner.  My audience the motivator, and I the encouraged.

My ideas and thoughts had not been devalued.  My motivation had not been wrong.  I had not been insulted.  God might see fit to use me in this or another teen's life at any moment.  What was key was that I had made an effort, and God saw to the fruit.  Little did I know that I was on the agenda that day, not my protege.