On Husbands: Joseph (Part 2)

The Holy Scriptures speak little to Joseph's actual marriage and husbanding directly.  But several verses give clues about the happiness and respect he most likely offered his bride Asenath.

Respect Follows "I Do"

First, Genesis states three times that Joseph's superiors -- Potiphar and the jailer in Genesis 39, and Pharaoh in Genesis 41 -- trusted him so much that they never even reviewed his efforts.  They gave him jobs knowing he would do them well.  Only with respect to their own position did they outrank him.  They essentially made him their equal.

This of course signifies great respect, and with what we know of Joseph, we may assume he gave others the same respect that God and men gave him.  This would include his bride.

Do you ever spy on your wife?  A harsh word indeed.  But think about it.  If she does things differently from you, do you rebuke her or trust her?  Do you notice when she leaves her fork by the couch, or do you wash it without reservation?  Do you complain that she never checks the oil or do recall gratefully that she picks up the kids every day?  Do you bitterly judge her harsh word against her friend or do you wait for those tender, almost childlike times when she asks if you think she went too far?

To put it simply, do you micromanage her life even though you hate it when she micromanages yours?  Also, do you think you do the little things right all the time, or do you ponder how much of a knothead you can be?  We may hope that Joseph worked hard as a husband, and that he trusted God and respected his wife to do the same.  Once again, as I write this I am convicted that I am my own special audience.

Faith Begets Respect

Second, the name of Joseph's bride appears only three times in Scripture -- twice in Genesis 41, and once in Genesis 46.  Each time, Asenath is identified as "the daughter of Poti-Pherah priest of On."  Scholars differ in their understanding of these verses.  A few say Joseph wooed Asenath.  Others say her father's temple could have performed human sacrifices.  Some state that her father may have been non-Egyptian and he might have heard about Joseph's God.  Regardless, the culture, religion, and even language of Asenath and Joseph likely varied greatly.  Any husband or wife will tell you this can make things difficult.

Yet whether Joseph liked Pharaoh's choice or not, he remained loyal to his wife.  As the number two man in Egypt, Joseph could have invited many other women to his bed, including someone from an upbringing more akin to his own.  But the Bible names Joseph's children multiple times as being the ones Asenath bore him -- no other children are identified.

Joseph did not hide his faith from anyone above him, below him, or equal to him.  We see him time and again explaining to people the handiwork of God, even when they probably disbelieved him at first.  As the child of a priest, Asenath must have been a prime target of Joseph's wise, but bold, evangelism.  God later prohibited interfaith marriages, so it is fascinating that Joseph united himself to a woman who probably worshiped pagan gods.  His faith in God again seemed to be his ruling precept -- along with his decision to respect his bride no matter who she was.

Finally, Joseph knew he was part of God's promise to his father and great-grandfather to form a great nation from their descendants.  He believed his descendants were also included in the promise (see Genesis 50 and Hebrews 11).  Yet he did not seem to care that his children were only half Hebrew, or if it did bother him, he refused to let it harm his faith or family.  Joseph trusted God and respected his wife enough to let her partake in God's covenant with his family.  Maybe this followed a spiritual conversion on her part -- maybe not.

Take Away

Take 1: "God has made me forget all my toil."  Take 2: "God has caused me to be fruitful."

Joseph spoke these words after God gave him and Asenath their two sons, Manasseh and Ephraim.  While he could have spoken such words while resenting or disrespecting his wife, it would not have fit with the rest of what we know about him.  Joseph proclaimed these things within the first seven years of his marriage, and how respected those statements -- and even more the lifestyle behind them -- must have made Asenath feel!  I have been married almost six years.  Can I say those words?  Can I live them?  Can you?

Take 3: "You meant evil against me; but God meant it for good...do not be afraid; I will provide for you."

After their father died, Joseph's brothers feared he would take revenge on them.  But he retained his integrity and offered them more than forgiveness.  His faith all but forced him to respect them.  He saw bitterness as a temptation of darkness and an opportunity to give control and glory to God.  We can imagine Joseph treating his wife the same way.

The word "love" appears nowhere in Joseph's story.  But that he loved his family is quite obvious.  Likewise, Joseph's respect for his bride -- in purity, in trust, in acceptance, and in praise -- seems clear.  And in all this he depended solely on God, who rewarded him greatly.  His final words, stated twice, were "God will surely visit you."  He died trusting God and sharing Him with his family -- just what a devoted husband should do.

On Husbands: Joseph (Part 1)

Ever since Adam and Eve, we humans have excelled at blaming circumstances or other people for our sins -- no matter the facts or consequences.  When we fall upon hard times (as interpreted by one's own heart), we sometimes justify our iniquity by imagining we would have done better in better situations.  A poor man might steal.  A lonely spouse might cheat.  A disgruntled employee might envy.  A slave might kill.  An abuse victim might abuse.

Yet in the Bible and in real life, people commit all these crimes and more even in the best of times.  Saul was not abused.  Cain was no slave.  The Pharisees were powerful.  David had a great marriage.  Zacchaeus was rich.  Moral of the story: "There is none righteous, no, not one." (Romans 3)

If the above is true, then in a culture that often excuses the wrongdoing of the apparently disadvantaged, here is a great irony.  When popular or powerful persons -- against whom the cards do not seem to be stacked -- admit and apologize for their mistakes publicly, forgiveness and near restoration quickly follows.  So we seek to excuse those whom Ebenezer Scrooge would have called "the surplus population," while we elevate social idols when they sound contrite for two minutes on prime time.  Either way, their sin is minimized or forgotten, as are any and all victims of their sin.

Genesis 37-50 tells of a true hero, one who defies much of today's pop culture that harms as many people as it excuses.  He made such good decisions that some people might mistake him for being weak or stupid.  But his faith and choices ultimately made him one of the best-loved and most powerful men in the Old Testament.  Moreover, as a godly husband, he respected his wife long before he ever knew her -- and long after as well.

Ugly Duckling

Joseph started out as a good guy, and his parents loved him a lot.  But when he began telling his family about his strange dreams, and when his father gave him alone -- of 12 sons -- a special gift, then his brothers began to hate him.  They kidnapped him and sold him into slavery in Egypt.

Now, most of you probably have little or no personal history with slavery.  Neither do I.  But I imagine some slaves have rotten attitudes about their predicament and seek to improve it via immoral or illegal means.  For some, this might involve attempts to kill or escape from their master.  For others, it might mean pursuing illicit sex.  For many it may include giving up on God.

In Genesis 39, Joseph could have done all these things.  But he did none of them.  Fundamentally, he refused to forsake God, so he also rejected moral and legal catastrophe: Joseph excelled in his master's eyes, and he turned down a prime opportunity to sleep with his master's seductive wife.  Unfortunately, running away from his master's wife got him thrown in prison, as she screamed and lied to her husband about Joseph.

But if an imprisoned slave has more excuse to forget his principles than a "free" slave, Joseph still made good choices.  This time, he impressed the jailer, who "committed to Joseph's hand all the prisoners" and who "did not look into anything that was under Joseph's authority, because the LORD was with him."  And after a few years, as well as a few dreams and miracles from God, the pharaoh of Egypt freed Joseph, named him prime minister, and gave him a bride!

Later, in God's further providence, Joseph reconciled with his brothers and brought his entire family to Egypt during a severe famine.  Their descendants remained in Egypt for a few centuries until a fellow named Moses came along...

Respect Precedes "I Do"

Joseph's famous story of running away from Potiphar's wife is a model of premarital purity.  But staying pure until marriage -- in addition to helping keep disease, jealousy, regret, envy, adultery, and even divorce out of your home -- fosters habits of purity within marriage, offers a great gift to your spouse, improves marital sex, and ultimately shows great respect to your bride.  Here's how.

Joseph strongly rejected Potiphar's wife's pleas for intimacy -- not just once or twice, but over the course of several days.  "How then can I do this great wickedness, and sin against God?" he asked her.  Afterward, he kept his distance from her.  Only later, when she trapped him, did he have to flee her presence.  His decision had already been made, and his fear of God won the day.

Joseph's war on sin mimics that of Charlotte Bronte's "Jane Eyre."  She also resisted easy sex, and saved the story.  But it was tough: "Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation.  They are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigor.  Stringent are they, inviolate they shall be.  If at my individual convenience I might break them, what would be their worth?...Physically, I felt at the moment powerless as stubble, exposed to the draft and glow of a furnace.  Mentally, I still possessed my soul, and with it, the certainty of ultimate safety."

Fighting hard against temptation shows as much respect for another person as fighting hard in a war conveys respect for your country.  Joseph even sought to guide Potiphar's wife in the right path -- but then he quickly left the situation.  Joseph's future bride probably had little reason to question his devotion to her.  Moreover, God Himself knew He could trust Joseph with bigger things, so out of respect for Joseph's faith, He boosted Joseph's responsibilities in due time (see also Matthew 25).

Now there's a thought.  When we remain pure we honor our wife.  When we fight temptation we respect our wife.  And when we are faithful to God in these ways, we win His respect -- which doubles as a great honor.  This should only create more respect from us toward our wives...in a beautiful uphill spiral!

On Husbands: Isaac (Part 4)

Here's a typical Hollywood love story: Guy and girl meet, fall in love, run into a problem, restore relationship, live happily ever after.  I have been tracking Isaac and Rebekah under a Disney theme.  But they run into two problems, not just one.

After waiting 20 years for children, their twin boys grew up and clashed with each other.  And for Rebekah's big life mistake, in what "Bernard Walton" in Adventures in Odyssey calls "one of the worst acts of treachery and cheating in the Bible," she used her favorite son, Jacob, to deceive her other son and her husband.

Second Roadblock

As an old man, Isaac sought to give his elder son Esau the best blessing he could before he died.  According to custom, only one son could receive such a blessing, and it could not be revoked.  When Rebekah learned about it, she convinced Jacob to disguise himself as Esau so that Isaac, who was nearly blind by then, would bless him instead.

Their conspiracy worked!  But when Esau discovered it, just a few moments too late, he flew into a rage and vowed to kill his brother after their father passed away.  We do not know if Isaac and Esau ever ascertained Rebekah's role in the plot, which is recorded in Genesis 27.  Yet we see no change in Isaac's respect toward his bride, even after she deceived him.  Consider her request at the end of chapter 27 and Isaac's reply at the beginning of chapter 28.

Rebekah wanted to prevent Esau from killing Jacob, so she asked her husband to send Jacob to live with her brother's family far away.  She told Isaac that because their neighbors had a different culture and / or religion, she wanted Jacob to find a wife among her relatives.

Did Isaac appreciate or resent her request?  Did he want Jacob to marry from among his own relatives?  Did he need Jacob's help with his property or possessions?  Did he want Jacob nearby during his last years?  Did he fear for Jacob's spiritual growth far from home?  Did he fear for Jacob's physical safety?  Did he know of Rebekah's trickery?  Did he argue with Rebekah over the matter?  Did he feel compelled to grant her desire? Did he doubt Rebekah's claim decades earlier, when she was pregnant, that God had told her "the older shall serve the younger"?

Happily Ever After

Genesis answers none of these questions.  A "yes" answer to any of them could have embittered Isaac to his wife.  A "yes" to all of them could have ended a lesser marriage.  And importantly, any "yes" might have been perfectly justifiable for any spouse to offer.  But if Isaac wrestled with these or other questions, his answer to his wife's wishes was one of respect.

First, he listened...again.  Twenty years into their marriage, Isaac listened to his wife's pleas for children.  And probably 40 years later (see the end of Genesis 26), he was still listening.  Can you pay attention to someone for 60 years without respecting them?  We men might congratulate ourselves for heeding our wives' needs for 60 minutes!

Second, Isaac went all out in fulfilling his bride's request.  Note that we still do not actually know if he agreed with her.  But in giving her what he wanted, he did not hold back or second guess.  Genesis 28 states that he instructed Jacob to do exactly as Rebekah had asked.  Then he went the extra mile in re-blessing Jacob.  He resolved to remind his son about God once more, while likely re-strengthened himself in God, too (see Psalm 131).  As a man, do you feel respected -- as well as appreciated and trusted -- when a coworker does extra work for you with a cheerful attitude?  Your wife likely feels the same when you exceed her expectations.  At the very least, recall how many extra miles God has tread on our behalf, such as in Romans 5?

Third, Rebekah's last recorded words were those of her petition to her husband.  Although she died later, we men would do well to ponder that every chance we get to respect our wives could be our last.  Shall our final effort be negative and halfhearted (free tip: those words are synonymous)?  Or shall we imitate Isaac?  Better still, Romans 8 shows the Trinity pursuing us dramatically all our days.  Let us imitate Him!

On Husbands: Isaac (Part 3)

Scripture says Isaac misled his family twice.  First, he played favorites with his two sons, loving the older boy more than the younger.  Rebekah made the same mistake, although the younger stole her heart.  Whether this was accidental or intentional, and whether father or mother picked their favorite first, we may say that Isaac's bad example failed to help his wife out of her equally bad choice.  Note how "God shows no partiality. But in every nation whoever fears Him and works righteousness is accepted by Him." (Acts 10)

Husbands' good or bad decisions may point their wives toward or away from God, respectively.  And again, while Scripture commands wives, not husbands, to respect their spouse, a respected wife will get many more reminders and examples of being respectful in return.  More importantly, by fulfilling God's commands to love our wives, and by going the extra mile of respecting them, we men can help our brides live obedient lives that please the Lord.

Too Much for Disney

Isaac's second sin that endangered his family was when a famine forced him to move to a foreign land, where he said his bride was his sister in Genesis 26.  His faithless lie mimicked his father's lies in Genesis 12 and 20, and, just as in Abraham's two cases, the local king confronted Isaac about it.  Yet other than advising against such a wrong and unwise path, Isaac's mistake is not central to our study.

The key verse in Genesis 26 shows that, even after at least 20 years of marriage (based on the apparent flow of time between chapters 25 and 26), Isaac offered his romance only, and intimately, to Rebekah.  Isaac was "showing endearment to Rebekah his wife," according to the New King James Version.  Other versions state that he was "sporting with" her, "caressing" her, "laughing with" her, or "fondling" her.  Whatever Isaac's exact display of affection to Rebekah, the king saw them together and declared, "Quite obviously she is your wife."

We see three lessons from this humorous conundrum.  First, since Isaac had lied about his wife, he had legal opportunities in the eyes of the people of the land to pursue a new lover.  Only his wife, and God, could have protested.  But Isaac took no such route -- quite the opposite given the flirtation scene.  Respect?  I think so.

Second, ponder the sentence structure.  Subject (Isaac), action verb (showing endearment), direct object (to Rebekah).  Isaac owns the situation: he gives, Rebekah receives...and both "quite obviously" enjoy it.  Other English versions of the Bible retain the same structure.  Obviously, the wife can initiate romance, too, but men hold the primary responsibility.  And if you have ever felt respected by your bride approaching you intimately, you can trust she feels your admiration and devotion (i.e., respect) just as much.

Third, Isaac was focusing on his bride in foreplay, not just thinking of the pot of gold for himself.  Since many women (or so I have read) love the pre-climax of sex at least as much as the climax itself, putting them first is sure to make them feel loved and respected as being more than just your source of pleasure.  I won't confess how much I need to remember this myself!  And again, they had aged two decades since their wedding night.

Proverbs 5 speaks to all three of these lessons -- in the same order.  First, it commands a singular faithfulness to the gifts God has chosen for us:
     Drink water from your own cistern,
     And running water from your own well.
     Should your fountains be dispersed abroad,
     Streams of water in the streets?
     Let them be only your own,
     And not for strangers with you.

Second, it requires the husband to reach out to his wife:
     Let your fountain be blessed,
     And rejoice with the wife of your youth.

Third, Proverbs 5 encourages passionate romance -- centering on the husband -- and implies at the end that chasing other women fails to satisfy:
     As a loving deer and a graceful doe,
     Let her breasts satisfy you at all times;
     And always be enraptured with her love.
     For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman,
     And be embraced in the arms of a seductress?

Bottom Line

The above phrase, "be enraptured with her love," is intriguing.  My thesis asks men to exemplify God's call to women in marriage by respecting their wives -- after carrying out His call to men, which is to love their wives as Christ loves the Church.  Yet Proverbs 5 notices the bride's love -- not her biblically-mandated respect -- for her husband.  So if (1) a husband's love conveys (2) respect for his wife, which (3) helps her respect him in return, then (4) he will "be enraptured with her love."  Need I emphasize that "enraptured" is a very strong, very positive verb?  The magical cycle begins with us.

Recall the Christ / Bridegroom - Church / Bride metaphor in Scripture: God, who "first loved us" (1 John 4), tends to our needs before asking anything from us in return.  Husbands get a pretty straightforward job, both inside and outside the bedroom.  But consider: it can be hard, yes?  Then imagine, and try to describe, Jesus' difficulty in leaving heaven and suffering for us.  Empowered by passion for the Father's glory and love, Jesus accomplished the most difficult task in history.  With a similar passion, we can achieve easier goals.